


Not how it's supposed to go

by Violet26



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 08:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12361680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet26/pseuds/Violet26
Summary: Leonard stopped his trek to their bedroom and braved a glance at his lover. The normally bright eyes were dark as they held his gaze. Jim stood up from the sofa in the living area and took a determined step towards him. “What did you do?” The words came out harsh and accusatory. There was no room for debate, he knew.





	Not how it's supposed to go

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to warn you, the ending is hopeful but not happy. Comments and constructive criticisms are always welcome!

Jim knew the minute Leonard walked past him. Leonard knew he did. How could he not? He could still smell the disgusting evidence of what he did on himself despite having showered. It clung to him like a transparent film. Even if the other man couldn't smell it Leonard still wasn't surprised Jim knew. It was hard to hide anything from the captain of the Enterprise, not that Leonard was trying very hard to hide at the moment. He wanted Jim to know.

Leonard stopped his trek to their bedroom and braved a glance at his lover. The normally bright eyes were dark as they held his gaze.

Jim stood up from the sofa in the living area and took a determined step towards him. “What did you do?” The words came out harsh and accusatory. There was no room for debate, he knew.

Leonard hadn’t been sure if he had done it to find solace, to make things even between them or because he simply wanted to make Jim hurt the way he did with each of Jim’s past indiscretions. Whatever the reason he should have known it wouldn't have worked. Leonard didn't feel any better now, nothing had been solved. He hated Jim's cheating and the hurt it caused him and now that he cheated on Jim, he hated himself too.

“What did you do?” The question was repeated with more venom behind it but no louder than before.

Leonard stiffened as he felt hands curl into the front of his shirt and met angry, hurt-filled eyes. He'd been silent for too long and he knew Jim’s anger and frustration were rising. It's the wrong thing to say, what he says when he finally speaks up. Leonard knows this but he can't stop himself. “Nothing you haven't done.” He says it with a spite he no longer feels.

Jim reacts on impulse. Strong, shaking hands tighten in already strained material and Leonard finds himself being pushed against the wall. He tries to hide his cringe as pain rushes through his back. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Jim snarled, his eyes narrowing. A minute of silence passes between the two men before realization dawns on Jim and his eyes widen, just a little. His fingers release his lover’s shirt in an instant and he backs away quickly as if he'd been slapped. They stand and stare at each other another moment before Jim speaks again. “You knew?” he questioned, barely above a whisper. The surprise, maybe guilt, overpowers the anger for the time.

“Each time.” Leonard replies coldly, refusing to turn away from the other man’s eyes.

They've been together for a year and Jim’s cheated on three separate occasions, two of the times it was on one of their missions and the third during the shore leave prior to their current one. Leonard had felt hurt, betrayed and pissed beyond belief when he had found out the first time and each time after but he never bought it up to Jim. He never quite managed the words. He knew he should have said something and not let it fester but he didn't and it did. It got under his skin and lingered in the back of his mind until he finally decided to do something about it. Which led them to where they were now.

Jim’s eyes narrowed, the anger flaring back up inside him. “That doesn't make it right!” he shouted. He didn't advance on Leonard this time, instead he stepped back towards the sofa he had been sitting on.

“I know.” Leonard whispered, finally ducking his head away from Jim.

“I trusted you. I loved you!” Jim’s voice sounded raw and filled with so much emotion that it made Leonard close his eyes tight. “You're better than that Bones! Better than the others! Better than.. me…” Jim went queit at his last word and Leonard opened his eyes in time to see the expression on his face change. Leonard watched with concern as something seemed to be working through his lover's mind. “Oh God,” Jim’s breathing seemed to pick up and he fell onto the sofa behind him as he ran a hand through his hair. “You knew,” he repeated and Leonard's concern increased. He stepped forward then stopped as Jim glanced back at him wide-eyed. “All this time” he said, disbelieving. “I made you feel like this?” he asked. He searched his lover’s eyes with hope that he wouldn't see what he knew to be the truth.

Closing the distance between them with a few steps, Leonard knelt in front of Jim and raised his head, meeting his eyes once again. He placed a gentle hand on the younger man’s knee before nodding solemnly. “Yes.”

Hope died in Jim’s eyes at Leonard’s words and both of his hands tightened into his own hair as his head fell. “Fuck” he shook his head in his hands. “I knew it was wrong the first time. I said never again, I'd make it up to you somehow. I don't know why…” his voice trembled as he spoke. “I…” Jim lowered his hands and looked up, tears streamed down his cheeks. “I'm so sorry.”

Leonard nodded and said the only thing he could say, “I am too.” Tears burned his own eyes. It wasn't alright, they weren't alright and they might not ever be again but he was sorry.

Jim leaned forward and Leonard leaned towards him, their foreheads pressed against one another and their hands intertwined in Jim’s lap. Leonard took the time he needed to gather the courage he needed to say what he had to say. Drawing back from his lover when he was ready, Leonard spoke up. “I think we need some time apart.” he swallowed hard, his voice sounded shakier than he cared to admit.

Jim’s head shot up. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it. An younger, more bitter version of him, would have snapped at Leonard to just go, he didn't need him anyway. His even younger self, the part that had still felt wounded from everything in his childhood, might have tossed himself at the man in front of him, begged him to stay. Jim wasn't either of those anymore though. He was, apparently, still too young and dumb not to accept and cherish the love that had been freely given. It had been given to him by a man who knew him better than he knew himself and had been by his side through everything. But, Jim knew that neither of his past options would work out well for him now, neither would give him a chance to salvage the ruins of the relationship that fate had handed him. He needed that chance. So, Jim nodded his agreement dumbly and watched as Leonard stood up and left their quarters.

 

* * *

 

Leonard returned Jim’s small smile as he sat down across from the captain in the officer's mess for the first time in three, long months. He knew he was welcomed, had been for some time, but still felt nervous.

The two of them had spent the days since their break-up as professionals during work hours and lived as separately as the starship allowed off-duty. The crew had no doubt felt the tension between them but no one remarked on it. No one, other than those closest to the two men, they offered an ear or shoulder if needed.

That thick fog of tension seemed to have lessened over the last week or so, so Leonard had decided to take a chance. Brief greetings were shared before the captain and the doctor began to eat and drink in silence.

“How are you doing Jim?” Leonard asked, a bit hesitantly.

Jim glanced up, ignoring the pain in his chest at being called his given name. He'd gotten used to Leonard calling him ‘Darling’ in the mess or off-duty. He managed a smile. “Better. How about you Bones?” he paused then questioned quietly. “Is that alright?”

Leonard nodded his confirmation, hearing the nickname again felt good. “Me too, I’m doing better too.”

Jim smiled briefly before staring at his food. After a minute he looked back at Leonard. “I thought you should know I've been seeing the ship’s counselor for a little over two months now. It's going well.”

Leonard glanced at Jim in surprise, then gave him a warm smile. “That's good dar..” he began but corrected himself. “Jim. That's real good.” Leonard figured he'd tell Jim of his own visits to the ship’s counselor later. They finished their meal in relative silence but it was comfortable now. They both knew it wasn't much but it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a companion piece to my story "If you can't trust yourself", though they are stand alone stories. I was inspired to make this story after an anon on "If you can't trust yourself" mentioned they never read a story were Leonard cheated. After some back and forth discussion I came up with this. 
> 
> While personally I don't feel either of these characters would cheat in a relationship, especially not on each other, this story and "If you can't trust yourself" are what if's.


End file.
